A True Love Story

At Journey, my church, about 100 people signed up to take basic training classes.  These classes are designed to equip Christians to be able to go out and easily tell their story, start devotional groups and even start a church if they felt led to do so.  I was  apprehensive at first.  It is a 6 week long class that meets once a week.  My class of about 10 people meet on Wednesday nights.  I had already gotten some inside info from a friend on what the first assignment was going to be.  I went into a full scale panic when I heard what it was.  It was that we would have 10 minutes to write our story and then we would partner up with someone other that our spouses and practice telling our story to them and visa versa.  I, sadly, had to rack my brain for my story.  I knew about when I was "saved" and I knew that my dunking date was in a purple Bible some where around my house.  I went on a rant to find it.  See, I am very good with remembering numbers.  It is quite weird at the dates and numbers that I remember.  So not remembering either one of those dates completely freaked me out.  Going in to the first class I had some what of a story lined out in my mind.  The class was only 2hrs long and I would make a point to get Nikki Garcia to be my partner so surely it wouldn't be that bad. Well it was torture... just to be honest.  I scribbled on the paper the beginning of a some what story of my salvation and before I knew it the 10 minutes was up.  Nikki and I put our desk together and began to talk and share stories.  I knew she was having a very hard day bc the 1 year mark of her mother's death was slowing creeping up.  So I just rambled through my story and wanted to listen to her.  I told her "I will just tell you my story later".  The class rocked on and I went every time kicking and screaming. I did not want to go back after the first night but I did not want to disappoint Bro. Robby.  So I grudgingly went.  I didn't think too much about it after I walked out of the door of that class till the next week came along.  One of the other assignments was to go tell our story to 5 people... UM negative for this girl! I did not tell anyone!... I just complained about the assignment to about 5 people.  Finally, we finished the class and next E3 was to come.  It was a big talk around our church and everyone was getting excited, nervous (about the 15 days of duties that had to be filled), and apprehensive.  I was, honestly, not that excited.  I mean what in the world??....15 days??.... I have to work everyday from 8-5... pahlease.

E3 started Monday, March 18, 2013 and we went.  I had already told Josh that we would go on Monday, Wednesday & Saturday of that week.  Monday was great! Justin Walters opened up with a very get up and move song and got everyone PUMPED.  Preaching came and I remember him reading a not so pleasant verses over and over again!  I mean he read it a million times and it made me quite uncomfortable.  He had actually preached a sermon around this verse a time before but it was on a Sunday and he only read it a couple of times.  I remember him saying before he read them that these were quite "bothersome" verses.  And bothersome they were! The verses were Matthew 7:21-23. Jesus said, "Not everyone who says to me, 'Lord, Lord' will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. (22) Many will say to me on that day, 'Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name and in your name drive out demons and in your name perform many miracles?' (23) Then I will tell them plainly, 'I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!'  Bro. Robby began to "break it down" for us, like he always does.  He kind of paraphrased it like it would be something that we would say.  I am going to use what I would put in there... Many will say to me on that day, 'Lord, Lord did I not attend church almost every time the doors were open, did I not fill up an abundant amount of shoe boxes for Operation Christmas Child, did I not give to the poor, did I not take Christmas gifts to lonely widows of the church, was I not a genuinely good person, did I not volunteer in the nursery, did I not prepare the Intro to Journey class meal?  Oh man this worked on me very hard.  He repeated this verse many times over the next few days.  I began to notice my sleeping at night situation... I was exhausted and I began to think back  over the past few nights... I had not slept since Sunday night.  I would toss and turn every night! And if you know me you know this chick can fall asleep as fast as a person with narcolepsy and then sleep through a tornado....

Rewind a couple of years....Over the past couple of years the thought of my salvation would cross my mind.  I would think "am I really saved?" and then I would answer myself "yes, Amber you are saved this is just the evil one trying to make you confused and doubt it."  I would always justify it because I was a good person and I loved going to church and hearing God's word.  I always done my lesson for the week, devotions in the mornings, I always prayed for my church, my family, my friends and myself, I did good deeds, etc.  I had always heard "once saved, always saved" ( just a little FYI-that my friends is called "easy believism"- say you know Jesus and then live like you want to and expect to go to heaven.) So I definitely had to be good in the salvation department. 

When I was around 8 or 9 we attended a church that my mom's family had been going to. It was small and just getting started.  A lot of my mom's family had been attending and changing their lives for the better.  It was a non-denominational church.  Worship was very welcomed there.  So at a young age I got to see that the raising of hands and worshipping God during the music was ok and much accepted.  One night the church got together and went to Heavens Gates and Hells Flames at Houston Road Baptist Church.  I remember one scene was a few teenagers/young adults getting drunk at a party and then getting in a vehicle to leave.  They were involved in a car crash and died.  When they "woke up" they were standing before God.  He had the Lambs Book of Life in his hands and was looking to see if their names were in His Book.  One by one he would look and shake his head "no".  They would scream in agony and ask Him to please look again.  He then cast them down to hell.  The next scene was them in hell.  It was so hot in there and it was very clouded with smoke.  The people were chained to the walls and screaming for someone to please let them out.  It was terrifying, especially to a 8-9 year old.  The last scene I remember was Heaven.  It was so beautiful and full of life and laughter.  We were all asked did we know where we were going and if we didn't we could go to a room down the hall and talk to someone.  I told Mama that I wanted to go to Heaven and not hell.  So we went into a room....my memory stops there.  I cannot remember the rest to save my life.  I obviously "prayed the prayer" or someone prayed for me because shortly after I was baptized.  I do not remember that experience but I can tell you that I changed into a red Coca Cola sweatshirt and we all went to eat at Walker's Dairy Bar after church.  Time went on and in the beginning of 1998 Highland Baptist was having a revival.  Bro. William Blackburn was the evangelist.  We started going and going and going.  The revival went on for a period of about 2-3 months.  EVERY NIGHT!  I was 14 and went mostly because Mama made us.  I can remember at the end of each service the same thing was repeated... if you don't want to go to hell then please say this prayer with me and walk down the isle.  If your palms are getting sweaty then it must be the holy spirit convicting you.  Ya know if you think about something long enough your mind can make you think it's happening or not happening.  My palms must have gotten a little sweaty bc one night I walked down.  I was taken into a room to be "counseled".  It looked much like a small cubical and I remember laughing and being immature....not because I had just been "saved"  happy but because I was being an immature teenager and what I was doing was "cool". I was then baptized again.  Life went on and high school was in full swing.  I was a pretty good kid.  I never talked back, I got a job when I was 14 and starting paying a car note when I turned 15, I made descent grades, good at sports, had many friends, involved in clubs and organizations at school, etc.  Senior year came and so did the partying.  I partied like a rock star off and on till my early 20's.  Probably around 23-24 I began to settle down.  My marriage had not been that great, bills piled up, failing out in college.....my life was a wreck.  My MIL invited us to Journey Church.  We finally decided to show up in June 2007.  We went off and on in the beginning and then began to kind of become a regular.  In the later part of 2007 I got involved in a women's group there.  I loved it.  I loved doing the lessons.  I was always shy in class and not really participate in the lesson because I honestly knew nothing about the Bible.  Josh and I joined Journey and then in late 2009 we began to slack off big time and eventually bailed.  We visited another church for a while but never really felt like it "fit" us. I told Josh that I really missed Journey and it's simplicity and could we start going back?  So we did and I jumped right back at where I left off.  Except there were so many more people there and our age group had exploded in numbers.  That made me very happy! 95% of them were either from the Myrick community or had graduated from NEJ.  I even got Josh to coming with me on Wednesday nights when he was in town.  Hearing Bro. Robby's sermons every week was the best ever. He can breakdown things and put them into words that I can understand.  He def has a gift!  I loved (and def still do) Journey Church.  Life was going good and I just thought every thing was spiffy.  Like I shared earlier, the question of my salvation would pop in my mind here and there.  Josh got saved in October 2011.. He shared his decision April 1, 2012.  I continued on as the God fearing lil Christian wife.. I thought.

I have told you all of this to tell you this... On March 24, 2013 @ 1:30 ( I will NEVER forget that number) in the morning I found myself on my couch, in a ball, alone and sobbing.  I prayed/cried out to God to save me.  At that very moment I had died to myself so that I could live.  I became a child of God.  I became his and he became mine.  I, for the first time in my life, knew what it meant to repent.  I knew what it meant to die to myself.  I knew what it felt like to be His. I discovered what true love was.  He loved and loves me no matter what.  I didn't have to get things "in order" before I accepted him as my saviour. I came to him broken, sorry and ashamed and I came out full of joy, thankful and filled with peace in my heart.  That Sunday morning at church I wanted to shout it to the roof tops about my decision but I had yet told Josh and I wanted him to know first.  However, I did snag up Bro. Robby to let him know that as of 1:30 that morning I finally had a story to tell.  That night at revival I just about skipped down the isle to let everyone know who my King was!  I am so eager to get baptized... I want all of this "junk" off of me and I want to come out of that water clean as a whistle.  For the first time I am so excited about Easter for what Easter really means not for just the cute new dress, dying of eggs and the fabulous lunch that comes after service.  Like my precious friend, Erica, said in her testimony the other night (not going to be word for word... but close) "the whole time I was doubting my salvation I thought it was the devil, but all in all it was always the devil that was telling me I was saved."  That was music to my hears and a punch in my gut.  She absolutely NAILED it.  I know life is not going to be lolly pops and gum drops just because I got saved... Life still goes on along with all of it's trials and temptations... I just now don't feel like I have to fight them alone and solve it all myself.  E3 is still going on and it will come to an end March 30th.  It starts at 6:30 and childcare is provided for birth-5 yrs old.  I would love to list all of the people that have made life changing decisions but I don't want to dare still their thunder :).

I am Amber Brooks and this was my story!..sorry about the length!

First Comes Love....

Second comes marriage and here comes the Brooks' without a baby carriage.  I have had the hardest time getting started on this blog.  I feel like I will offend someone or make someone feel like I was talking about their child. I might ;)... JK!  Any who.....I believe my last "baby" blog was about getting to the point where I could finally see some light at the end of the tunnel.  Well I believe I/we are feeling a bit blinded by the light because we are so close.  I do not want anyone to think that I all of a sudden hate children. That is the furtherest from the truth!! I absolutely love babies, toddlers, etc.  I like to spoil them and give them back.  I like to hold them for a bit and then give them back.  I like to teach them ugly things to say and give them back.  I like giving them back so that I can do what I want to do.  It took me a while to say this bc it sounds so selfish.  But honestly, I don't feel selfish at all.  See, January marked 3 years of trying for a baby and I have given it all I have mentally, emotionally and physically.  And by physically I am not just talking about the sex part.  I have been through many of procedures, I have drove like a maniac to Jackson in order to make it in under 2 hrs with a sample under my shirt (to keep it at room temp), I have peed on ovulation sticks every morning for 2 years straight... So no, it's not all lolli pops and gum drops on the physical part.  Emotionally- I have buried my face in a wet rag so that Josh wouldn't hear me during my bath and I would just scream, I would go on the 3rd floor of work and cry in the bathroom and then dry it up and walk down like everything was just lovely, I have been in the floor on my face in my tears praying to God to please allow us to conceive.
Mentally- I have thought that I was less of a woman at times, marital duties became just that... duties, I, at one point, was depressed.
At then end of last year I had just ran out of fuel. I was so tired and worn very thin.  I had been praying for a very long time to God that if it wasn't in his plan for us to have a child right now to just please take the desire away.  AND HE DID!  He is so faithful and always has a plan for our lives.  We just have to realize that and trust that.  OMG it was so hard to do that. I feel like I have won an olympic medal!!  I feel like a burden of 1million lbs has been lifted off of me.  The desire is gone and I feel like I can live again.  I never knew that wanting something to go away that I had become obsessed with getting for so long would feel so good.  But that is God for ya! 
I talk back and forth with a friend that is trying for a baby and has been for some time.  I text her the other night to check up on her.  She started describing the side effects she is having from the meds and that also it puts a strain on her marriage.  And folks let me tell ya... it does!! And it happens before you know it. One month turns into 7 months and "bedtime" has been just work and nothing more.  It really is sad.  My response to her was that there was no baby worth my marriage and my marriage was the most important thing to me.  And it is the truth! I love that guy with all of my heart!  "We" were here first and I am not going to let something like this bring our home, that we have worked so hard to make, down to the ground. 
I look back on this 3 year journey and think "my gosh!.. Thank you God for allowing us to go through this!".  It has made me new friends, become closer to God, my marriage rock solid, thankful for the life I have, comfortable in expressing myself, a love for Josh that I didn't even know existed and many others.  See Josh and I have been together for going on 15 years and we have been married for almost 8 of those years... We are pretty set in our ways.  We come and go as we please, we can watch tv and movies in silence, we can lay on the couch together and fall asleep if we please, we can eat in peace and quiet, we can go to bed when we want ( super early or super late), I can get up at 5 and go hog hunting with him if I want, we can have a  relaxing vacation, I can take Fred, the lil wiener, shopping with me in his stroller, I can blare the music in my car without having to worry about waking a baby, I can listen to the music I want in my car, We can watch adult tv... no yaba gaba mess, we pack for just the two of us for a trip, we can go on random camping trips.... in a tent!, we can buy big toys, we can sleep as late as we want, we can pee and dump in peace, and many other things.  Then I see this:

• Parents all stressed  out and sleep deprived
• Kids throwing a fit in a store.... like down in the floor screaming
• Snot running down their lip and spread from ear to ear... GROSS
• Puke on them and most of the time poop
• Parents sitting at a table in a restaurant not eating bc the kids want their food
• Parents having to leave a restaurant bc the kids want to act like wild things
• Parents barely getting a shower on a daily basis
• Parents sacrificing so much just so their kids can have the best
• Couples slipping apart bc the kids take up so much time
• ETC!

In saying all of that, if having a baby isn't in our future then we will be A OK.  We have always and will always have each other.  And that to me that is something  a lot of couples cannot say.  I believe that a lot of couples either get married or stay married bc of the kids.  A married couple that stays married just because of the kids is not healthy at all.  A dating couple taht gets married just because they got pregnant is not healthy at all. You have to like the person, you have to be the best of friends, you have to realize that one day those kids will be grown and out of the house and it will only be the two of you left.  If you have not taken the time to get to know one another and become best friends then your marriage is pretty useless.... you're def missing out. 
I feel like I am in such a great place. I have started working out and trying to get back in shape.  Taking clomid and just being depressed will help you out in the weight gaining dept. I had gained about 10-15lbs.  I have so far lost about 4-6 of those lbs.   I love my life and am happy for the journey that I have been on... hope I havent' offended anyone ;)!

The Notebooks

I am not very big on Valentine's Day.  I just feel like it is just something that is blown up to be way more than what is should be.  I think it is sad that some people only get shown love on one day out of the year.  I am very proud to say that my husband shows me love and affection everyday!! Any who.... I really thought I knew what I was getting but turns out I was wrong.  I wanted some rocking chairs but he could not find the one that I wanted.  I came home from work to find a card and two spiral notebooks on the table.  One was pink and one was black and each had a pen with them.  Inside mine was a letter.  It explained that each day we would write something positive about the other in the notebook.  He said that it had to be positive and nothing negative.  We will exchange our notebooks every weekend so that we can see what the other has wrote.  This weekend will be our first time to exchange our notebooks.  I cannot wait to see what he has wrote.  And I def cannot wait for him to read what I have written.  I just loved this idea! I think it is def healthy to continue to praise one another and make sure the other one understands just how they important they are in the marriage.  I love him so much and could not have thought of a more perfect gift.  So to all you ladies that just threw your dead flowers in trash.... I will still be enjoying my gift for many weeks ;)



Looci Jean Cochran Brooks

On February 11, 2013 I said goodbye to my first child, Looci.  I got her the 4th week of December (cant remember the actual date) of 2000.  She was my early Christmas present.  She was the cutest darn thing ever! I had went over to a friend's house to study and when I came home there she was waiting on me with a bow.  My sweet Mama had went and got her from a breeder in Smith County.  Her blood line was that of champions.  I was not sure what to name her so I waited a couple of days to see what her personality was.  She was so funny and just plain goofy! So, I decided to name her Looci after I Love Lucy.  Mama told me after I named her that the breeder had actually named her Lucy bc of her funny personality.  I immediately fell in love with her along with everyone else in the house.  I was of course a teenager at the time and wanted to go and do so she spent a lot of time with my parents.  Mom potty trained her within like 3 days and she knew she could get anything from my daddy.  Even though I was her "main owner" and Mom took up a lot of time with her she LOVED my dad, her Papaw.  I mean she loved him and he loved her! And if you know my dad he dont share much love.  She was such a bossy flossy!! I mean she demanded things and you couldn't help but just do them.  She had these big brown eyes and everytime she would look at you it was like she was looking into your soul.  And that my friends is how she got anything she wanted.  If you wanted to make her day just say "Looci, you wanna ride?".  She would just about knock you down to get out of the door.  She loved to take naps and sleep in the bed with us at night.  Her routine was to get under the covers, go all the way to the bottom of the bed, turn around and lay about mid ways up your body.  She would then get hot after an hour or so and get on top of the covers.  She was down for a nap anytime!  She was my girl and my sassy lil side kick.  These stories that I am fixing to list are probably not funny to anyone but those who really knew her and wittnessed them but here it goes:

• Before her ears got docked she got her head stuck in a glass gallon pickle jar. 
• She ate a bar of rat poison and we had to give her a tablespoon of salt which equaled in puking everywhere!
• I sprayed my wheels with tire foam and washed it off with a hose.  She began drinking the water and became what looked like she was drunk. 
• She always chased the neighbors chickens and a few times she got lucky and caught one :/
• She went to go chase Daddy's goats one time and didn't know about that electric fence. Well, they immediately got introduced. 
• She would run away for hours upon hours!!! Refused to return when called.
• She would not come back to you while outside.  We would bribe her with ham, treats, milk, anything! It never worked. She would get in reaching distance of you and then dart off.
• She loved to look in the window of cars.... and that would result in scratching the side of some poor visitors car. 
• She drug my dad across the yard one time because she saw a rabbit in the yard. 
• She got sprayed in the face by a skunk and had to spend 2 nights outside. 
• She chewed the laundry room door in half bc she had separation anxiety. 
• We sprayed a type of spray that was suppose to keep them from chewing things.. she was of course allergic to it and her face became swollen. 
• She hated the crate!! But she wouldn't be a good girl if left out.  She could tear out of it in a heart beat. 
• She would chase bikers down the road. Wouldn't listen to "stop!" to save her life!
• We had to nurse a little goat back to health one time and it would always want to nurse her and it would freak her out. LMBO!!
• Chewing or destroying things that belonged to whoever she was ticked at at the time. 
• Josh had a pig that got out of his pen... she commensed to chase the thing into the woods... came out with her eyes swollen shut. Yet, another allergic reaction to something. 

My list could probably go on for a while but those are the good ones!  I loved her so much! She had gotten so sick towards the end.  In that last week she began vomitting a lot.  Monday when I left I had already cleaned up about 5 piles.  Josh and I were texting back and forth about her and how it was definitely getting time to make a decision and not be selfish about it.  About 15 minutes I got the text "we need to go now".  She had lost control of her front legs and Josh had found her head down in a corner.  He laid her on her bed till I got there.  When I walked in I went straight to her. Her eyes were black, no life in them.  She wouldn't wag her "nub" when I would talk to her.  Her breathing was so fast and her tongue was hanging out.  I felt completely helpless and I knew what I had to do. She would not have made it through the day had we not went on.  Dr. Kent Holifield (best vet ever!) came out to my truck and went ahead with the procedure with her in my lap.  I rubbed her face and whispered in her ear that I loved her.  I told her she was her Papaws girl and that her Mamaw loved her too.  And just like that she was gone.  ON the way home, through tears, Josh and I would laugh telling stories about her.  It kept my mind at ease.  I burried her between my blueberry bushes in the front yard.  I can look out my kitchen window and see her.  And that is perfect!! I know she is catching lizards and rats at Raindbow Bridge right now!

Love you LOO LOO! The house is definitely not the same. 



Sooo, how are "things"?

I get asked this question multiple times a week.  I don't mind.  I think people are a little scared to ask me/us how things are really going with having a baby.  I am aware that I am a private yet blunt person.  But we do appreciate the concern and constant prayers. 
Where are we with "things"? We are at a great place! I can speak for both of us in saying that we have been able to "live" these past few months.  We have taken a step back and decided to take another path. The path labeled Josh and Amber.  We realized that we are both still very young.  I know that in the South getting married right after high school and having a baby shortly there after is definitely the norm. There is absolutley nothing wrong with that I just think that was putting a lot of pressure on us.  We have always done our own thing and love every minute of it.  We are for sure taking a break from all of the fertility meds, procedures, timed you know what, etc. But we are not using anything to prevent a pregnancy either.  I HATED, I mean HATED taking Clomid.  It made me a mad woman!!  I wasn't neccessarily mean to people I just had so much anxiety, hot flashes, etc.  I know a lot of people think that it is selfish or that I must not really want a baby if I am not willing to continue with IUIs, take meds and try IVF.  That is ok... think what you want.  I just had to take a look from the outside looking in.  I had a very well known fertility specialist tell me and my husband that we are perfectly normal and that he doesn't really know why we can't get pregnant.  I did not look at him and think that he was giving up on us or that he ran out of options.  The man makes a grand everytime he sees me. I am sure he will do procedures all day long if that is what we wanted.  What I am trying to say is we believe whole heartedly that it's just not our time, yet.  I have no idea what is in store for us in regards to a child.  I have no clue!! Sometimes I feel like if I just knew when the time will be I will be good.  But then I think, nope I dont want to know.  I want it to be the biggest suprise to us and our family and friends.  I want it to blind side us in a good way.  God is blessing our lil family in ways we never thought possible. 
About our cup that runneth over..... Work is good for Josh! The guy works his booty off.  He catches a lot of flack from ppl because he has a home office, but he works hard down there in his little office.  When he travels, which has been a lot here lately, he continues to impress his employer. He has a way with people.  He absolutely amazes me at what he has accomplished at such a young age.  He takes care of us, always has.  I am so proud of him... and love him to pieces.  I have started back with my side business, Dress 4 Less.  It is booming right now.  I have had to hire some help.  I love working with my ladies and finding them the latest fashion at the lowest possible prices.  I always have a few hiccups with customers, vendors and inventory but I just say a prayer and do what I can do to solve the problem.  NO ONE HAS EVER DIED FROM A CLOTHING EMERGENCY! Clothes parties are booking fast and I always have the most fun at them!  My life is pretty crazy... I work from 8-5 and go home and scan my vendors for the latest styles, post, invoice, email, then the normal duties at home.  But I love organized chaos! God is definitely with me, always!  My daytime job has taken a much needed twist.  I had been feeling like I was spinning around constantly and felt kind of lost with it all.  I knew for a while my current job situation would have to change!  It had just ran its course.  I prayed everyday, many times a day for something to change.  I always thanked God for my job and told him that I would stay and learn to deal with it if that be his will.  But it was not his will! He opened a door for me and the transission process has started.  I work for my current employer for 3 hrs a day and my new employer for 6 hrs a day.  I LOVE IT! I love the relaxed atmosphere!
Our church, Journey, is rockin it! I mean I hate to miss a Sunday, Wednesday or Sunday night class.  I feel like I get so much out of it and I try my best to apply it to my everyday life.  I fail miserably a lot but I just pick my self back up and start over.  Josh loves to part of the praise team band.  Josh and I also cook the Intro to Journey meal once a month.  That allows us to meet new people who have been visiting and are interested in joining.  Our Fall Festival is coming up! Amanda is doing a fantastic job at putting it together and I think it will be fabulous!  I am also taking a class on Sunday night.  It is going great and I get to experience it with my friend Nikki G!  I thank God everyday for Journey Church and for the messages HE gives Bro. Robby to relay to us every Sunday.  That guy has a way with words!
To sum us up... Life is Good Today!  I am so very thankful for all of my many undeserved blessings.  I continue to pray for Wisdom, Guidance and Forgiveness and offer my thanksgivings everyday.  I would be no where without God.  He has lead me through some dark dark days and always had a ray of sunshine waiting on me.... I just had to listen to his direction. 

That's All Folks!

30 Before 30

I have a list for everything in my life. So why not make a list for things that I want to have done before I turn 30??!! I cannot believe that in a little over a year I will be 30! That is insane to me. I feel like for the past 28 years I have done a lot. I have been out of the country, married the love of my life, graduated high school and college, paid car notes, bought our first home, witnessed the birth of a child, seen my best friends marry and have children, run a side business, experienced the worst natural disaster to hit America, zip lined, sang karaoke, watched my husband get baptized, learned how to make and decorate cakes, been to Disney World and Disney Land, flown on airplanes, shark fishing, deep sea fishing, rode horses in the mountains,attended proms, attended my 10 yr class reunion, attended a painting class, learned how to make Mamaw Lucy's dressing, participated in a Dixie Stampede contest...and the Brooks' won!, assisted with taking a group of ESS patients to the aquarium in NO... it was such an amazing experience to watch them experience it, came up with a pretty good chicken and dumpling recipe, learned how to drive a tractor, seen numerous cities, and there are so many more things!
  I love to always be doing something. My Mama always told me to live life to the fullest and you can stop when you're dead. SOOOO I try to always live like that. Here it goes:

30 Before 30

1. Go on a mission trip. - not out of the country, though
2. Go Parasaling
3. Have a baby (if not, I am completely at peace with it)
4. Learn to sew (what a great Christmas gift idea ;))
5. Go on a trip to Memphis
6. Vacation in the Northeast during Fall.-I want the leaves to take my breath away
7. See the Atlantic Ocean
8. See the Pacific Ocean-was in Cali last year but didn't have time to drive over
9. Go on a haunted tour in New Orleans
10.Stay at a bed and breakfast
11.Buy a boat
12.Stay at the Ritz in New Orleans
13.See the balloon races in Natchez
14.Refinish a piece of old furniture
15.Learn to landscape my yard
16.Go to a Saints game
17.Learn to speak Spanish-not necessarily master it but be able to have a general convo
18.Break the habit of biting my nails
19.Scuba dive
20.lose 10-15 lbs... so much harder to do the older you get UGH!
21.Own a Dodge Challenger SRT8..... PAHLEEZE JOSH!!
22.Have at least 7-10 head of cattle
23.drive Josh's race car... EEK!
24.Go on a GIRLS vacation... No kids, No husbands just My BFFFFFSSSS
25.Rent a scooter at the beach.. he he he
26.Have a spa day with my girlfriends
27.I really want a chicken coop :).. like all pretty and pink
28.Grow an awesome garden
29.Run a 5k....working on that one now!
30.Get the above 29 things done!

How did we get here!?

I am sure that I will offend someone, make them mad, get a few eye rolls or even get a few nasty comments. BUT I really do not care! As most of you know Josh and I have been tryig to have a baby for 2 yrs now. It has been the most difficult journey that I have ever endured! When we first started trying we were so hopeful and ready to take on parenthood. We had names picked out already and started picking around on what traits of us we hoped it did and did not have from us. I even had a "pre-conception" check up with my OBGYN, bought the most expensive ovulation monitor on the market, made sure my maternity insurance was in affect, and tried to eat as healthy as I could. Months rocked on and NOTHING! We were getting so frustrated and did not understand at all! After about 11 months of trying, reading, researching I finally asked Josh if he would go get tested. He did and we found out the problem was probably going to be him :/. I was crushed and I can only imagine how he felt. If it was going to be anything I wanted it to be me so that he didn't have to feel any type of pain or guilt. A month after his analysis I was 2 weeks late for my cycle. I knew in my mind that I was pregnant and I could not believe it. My cycles are like clock work and I have never been late in my life! I had a lot of the early pregnancy symptoms but I could not get a positive test and even my blood test was negative. The Dr. wanted to put me on medication to make me start and I refused. I was a little disappointed in him for suggesting that. On December 25, 2010 I believed I started the "natural" miscarriage process. I have never had a period like that in my life and it went on for well over a week. I was so bummed and didn't really tell anyone b/c I didn't figure they would believe me... since I did not go to the Dr and I didn't want anyone to "feel sorry" for me. But my heart and my body told me what was really happening. In April 2011 I decided to go back and talk with the Dr. He suggsted we start doing a procedure called an IUI (intraunterine insemination). We tossed the idea back and forth. It was tough hearing someone say that you cannot conceive naturally. We waited a few months and in July 2011 we decided to get our first IUI. It was the most physically painful experience I have ever had! They give you no pain meds and no warning! I consider myself to have a pretty high tolerence for pain, but that day that was doubted. I actually had to go by myself bc at teh same time I was having thi done Josh was turning in his 2 week notice at Howards. I was so hoping that it would work because I didnt know if I would be able to do another knowing how bad it hurt. Well, obviously it did not work. Again, we were crushed but we had something good going on at teh same time, Josh was starting his new job! We knew that with him starting this new job we would miss a cycle or two and couldn't get the IUI done. I was ok with that b/c i was so excited about his new job. I knew he was going to be so much lessed stressed and this made me so happy! September, October and November came and went. For those 3 month we were unable to have an IUI due to the Dr. not having any openings. I was so upset and angry that I could not get "squeezed" in for my procedure. I know that as an OBGYN their main concern in doing annuals, providing check-ups for pregnant women and delivering babies. I get that!... but it still didn't make me feel any better. I told Josh that if we wanted help and guidence with this we would have to get out of Jones County. No offense to any Drs around here! So we decided to go to see Dr. John Isaacs in Jackson. Our first visit with him gave us much hope. He devised a plan that included getting blood work for me. What!? I have never had my Dr. request blood work. Surely I am fine. Well I was wrong! My progesterone level came back almost less than half of what it should be! Mine was 6.72 and they like for it to be around 12. I immediately knew I definetly hada miscarriage back in '10. A pregnant woman MUST have a certain level of progesterone in order for the baby to live and grow. Dr. Isaacs called me in Clomid (50mg) and told me to start it on my next cycle and go in on day 21 to have my levels checked again. I did and it came back at 21! I was so excited and just knew we were on track. Well another month came and went and NOTHING! One week before Christmas I had a HSG test for tubal infertility. Basically they shoot a dye into your tubes and watch it on a screen to see if your tubes are blocked. Mine were clear as glass! So we got to rule that out. We decided to wait till after Christmas to do an IUI with Dr. Isaacs. So late January we went in for our first IUI in Jackson. This experience was a cake walk compared to when the other Dr. did it. AND we found out great news in the process.... Joshs levels were well beyond average. I was so pleased and a huge burden was lifted off of him. BUT, the procedure wasn't a success either. I was so upset that I had Josh call the Dr.office to let them know that it didn't work and to find out what else we could do. In March we took them up on the other options. I had to take off 2 days of work. The first day I had an ultra sound to check to see if I had any follicles. I had one, which is all you need. Since the follicle was of good size and looked to be normal they gave me an HCG trigger shot. This shot would make the egg release and the IUI for the next day could be timed. I went the next day and had the IUI. This again did not work! I called Jackson to let them know that it did not work and that we would not be back for a while. I was not at all upset with the Dr. or his wonderful staff I was just emotionally drained. The nurse told me that we were just dealing with what they called "unexplained infertility". My jaw hit the floor. I had never heard that term before and it sounded so vague yet so harsh! Who has unexplained infertility!!! I asked what that meant and she said they use that term when a couple has completely normal everything but just cannot conceive. I knew then this was completely out of our hands. Josh told me as he was consoling me that it was not unexplained infertility it was God's timing. So, that was the story of us to date. I felt like I had to tell the entire thing in order for anyone to understand my next wave of emotions. Sometimes God's timing is something that we do not understand. It is actually something that I cannot wrap my head around. How can a couple who has planned for a baby, have great jobs, have a great marriage and a love for children that is through the roof not get pregnant!!?? How can people who are not married, do drugs/alcohol, have a horrible marriage, and the list could go on and on have a baby? Why is it in God's plan for them to have a baby? These are things that I deal with all of the time. Now, I do not in any way get mad or upset at married couples that seem to be in a good marriages. I believe they definetly deserve it! They deserve to start a family. I just cannot get over the other. Josh and I have gotten really involved with church and it has helped me tremendously! It helps me understand things and know that God does not hurt us. His plan may make us pout and throw a fit, because we are so use to instant gratification, but it is the best plan. Through this horrific journey Josh has gotten saved and we are more devoted to God than we have ever been before. Do I still have bad days?.... Yes mam! I still cry and question but I also find great comfort in knowing that He has a plan for us. This is something that Josh and I cannot buy. We cannot buy a baby of our own. IVF is not even a guarantee for anyone. We have been asked about the option of adopting. We are up for it but would still like to have a lil adhd Josh running around. I honestly, cannot believe that I even wrote this for everyone to see. I am pretty private with this kind of stuff. But I have discovered the more people you talk to about it the more you learn that you are not alone. I don't really like telling people about this because I don't want them to think that I am jsut having a pitty party or wanting sympathy. That is the furtherest from the truth. See, I believe that couples who are extensively trying for a baby get the shaft. You see and hear pregnant women all of the time complaining of being pregnant. Honestly, it makes me want to slap the crap out of them. Why in the world would you complain??!! But the ladies who are having to do painful procedures, taking hormones that make you feel like a complete psycho and not in control of your own body, and have a let down every month of their "trying" life usually dont ever complain. We roll with the punches and would do anything to get pregnant. Our facebook status' usually don't consist of complaints or graphic details of things. I believe my most insult to date would have to be when someone told me that since "I" couldn't get pregnant I could just let them borrow my husband for a while and she would be able to get me a baby. REALLY??!! Do people actually look at a woman that is unable to get pregnant as weak?? I felt like, after that comment, I was less of a woman and that was how people looked at me. It has really been hard to get over that. I am usually pretty quick to get over stuff, but that was a tough one. In saying all of this bad stuff I would not want to conquer this journey with anyone but Josh. He is the most amazing, affectionate, comforting person ever! He is my rock and has wiped many many tear from my face. I have soaked his chest with tears and snot so many times, but he has never not once told me to suck it up and get over it. He has just let me vent and cry. He gets just as disappointed and upset as I do but he stays strong for me. I know that he is going to be the best dad ever!! He has so many crazy stories and experiences to not have a lil runt to tell them to. I know that God put me on this earth to be a mother and he will bless me with a child. We just have to stay focused and listen to him every step of the way. He has something to tell us and something to show us we just have to wait and see what it is. The fact that Josh shared his decision a few weeks ago showed me that without the trials we have been through Josh may not have made tht decision. It was so insane that after Josh broke down and asked God to save him back in October his levels went beyone normal. If you have ever read about male infertility you will know that stuff like that just does not happen. But God made it happen... i know that beyond a shadow of a doubt. And I know that he will make this happen. I am sure this blog made me look like an unstable psycho but it was just what I have been dealing with and it has been alot. Infertility will absolutely consume your life. If you are placed on meds/hormones it will make it worse. While I was on the meds I literally could not function properly. I could not remember everything and was the complete opposite of being organized. If I am not organized I do not function!!! I am slowly getting back on track with everything and trying to fix what I let dangle off to the side for so long. If I have offended anyone I apologize that it offended you. It is just how I feel. And if I can help someone with this post then I have done something. There are plenty of women out there that I personally know going through this very thing and I pray for you everyday!