First Comes Love....

Second comes marriage and here comes the Brooks' without a baby carriage.  I have had the hardest time getting started on this blog.  I feel like I will offend someone or make someone feel like I was talking about their child. I might ;)... JK!  Any who.....I believe my last "baby" blog was about getting to the point where I could finally see some light at the end of the tunnel.  Well I believe I/we are feeling a bit blinded by the light because we are so close.  I do not want anyone to think that I all of a sudden hate children. That is the furtherest from the truth!! I absolutely love babies, toddlers, etc.  I like to spoil them and give them back.  I like to hold them for a bit and then give them back.  I like to teach them ugly things to say and give them back.  I like giving them back so that I can do what I want to do.  It took me a while to say this bc it sounds so selfish.  But honestly, I don't feel selfish at all.  See, January marked 3 years of trying for a baby and I have given it all I have mentally, emotionally and physically.  And by physically I am not just talking about the sex part.  I have been through many of procedures, I have drove like a maniac to Jackson in order to make it in under 2 hrs with a sample under my shirt (to keep it at room temp), I have peed on ovulation sticks every morning for 2 years straight... So no, it's not all lolli pops and gum drops on the physical part.  Emotionally- I have buried my face in a wet rag so that Josh wouldn't hear me during my bath and I would just scream, I would go on the 3rd floor of work and cry in the bathroom and then dry it up and walk down like everything was just lovely, I have been in the floor on my face in my tears praying to God to please allow us to conceive.
Mentally- I have thought that I was less of a woman at times, marital duties became just that... duties, I, at one point, was depressed.
At then end of last year I had just ran out of fuel. I was so tired and worn very thin.  I had been praying for a very long time to God that if it wasn't in his plan for us to have a child right now to just please take the desire away.  AND HE DID!  He is so faithful and always has a plan for our lives.  We just have to realize that and trust that.  OMG it was so hard to do that. I feel like I have won an olympic medal!!  I feel like a burden of 1million lbs has been lifted off of me.  The desire is gone and I feel like I can live again.  I never knew that wanting something to go away that I had become obsessed with getting for so long would feel so good.  But that is God for ya! 
I talk back and forth with a friend that is trying for a baby and has been for some time.  I text her the other night to check up on her.  She started describing the side effects she is having from the meds and that also it puts a strain on her marriage.  And folks let me tell ya... it does!! And it happens before you know it. One month turns into 7 months and "bedtime" has been just work and nothing more.  It really is sad.  My response to her was that there was no baby worth my marriage and my marriage was the most important thing to me.  And it is the truth! I love that guy with all of my heart!  "We" were here first and I am not going to let something like this bring our home, that we have worked so hard to make, down to the ground. 
I look back on this 3 year journey and think "my gosh!.. Thank you God for allowing us to go through this!".  It has made me new friends, become closer to God, my marriage rock solid, thankful for the life I have, comfortable in expressing myself, a love for Josh that I didn't even know existed and many others.  See Josh and I have been together for going on 15 years and we have been married for almost 8 of those years... We are pretty set in our ways.  We come and go as we please, we can watch tv and movies in silence, we can lay on the couch together and fall asleep if we please, we can eat in peace and quiet, we can go to bed when we want ( super early or super late), I can get up at 5 and go hog hunting with him if I want, we can have a  relaxing vacation, I can take Fred, the lil wiener, shopping with me in his stroller, I can blare the music in my car without having to worry about waking a baby, I can listen to the music I want in my car, We can watch adult tv... no yaba gaba mess, we pack for just the two of us for a trip, we can go on random camping trips.... in a tent!, we can buy big toys, we can sleep as late as we want, we can pee and dump in peace, and many other things.  Then I see this:

• Parents all stressed  out and sleep deprived
• Kids throwing a fit in a store.... like down in the floor screaming
• Snot running down their lip and spread from ear to ear... GROSS
• Puke on them and most of the time poop
• Parents sitting at a table in a restaurant not eating bc the kids want their food
• Parents having to leave a restaurant bc the kids want to act like wild things
• Parents barely getting a shower on a daily basis
• Parents sacrificing so much just so their kids can have the best
• Couples slipping apart bc the kids take up so much time
• ETC!

In saying all of that, if having a baby isn't in our future then we will be A OK.  We have always and will always have each other.  And that to me that is something  a lot of couples cannot say.  I believe that a lot of couples either get married or stay married bc of the kids.  A married couple that stays married just because of the kids is not healthy at all.  A dating couple taht gets married just because they got pregnant is not healthy at all. You have to like the person, you have to be the best of friends, you have to realize that one day those kids will be grown and out of the house and it will only be the two of you left.  If you have not taken the time to get to know one another and become best friends then your marriage is pretty useless.... you're def missing out. 
I feel like I am in such a great place. I have started working out and trying to get back in shape.  Taking clomid and just being depressed will help you out in the weight gaining dept. I had gained about 10-15lbs.  I have so far lost about 4-6 of those lbs.   I love my life and am happy for the journey that I have been on... hope I havent' offended anyone ;)!