A True Love Story

At Journey, my church, about 100 people signed up to take basic training classes.  These classes are designed to equip Christians to be able to go out and easily tell their story, start devotional groups and even start a church if they felt led to do so.  I was  apprehensive at first.  It is a 6 week long class that meets once a week.  My class of about 10 people meet on Wednesday nights.  I had already gotten some inside info from a friend on what the first assignment was going to be.  I went into a full scale panic when I heard what it was.  It was that we would have 10 minutes to write our story and then we would partner up with someone other that our spouses and practice telling our story to them and visa versa.  I, sadly, had to rack my brain for my story.  I knew about when I was "saved" and I knew that my dunking date was in a purple Bible some where around my house.  I went on a rant to find it.  See, I am very good with remembering numbers.  It is quite weird at the dates and numbers that I remember.  So not remembering either one of those dates completely freaked me out.  Going in to the first class I had some what of a story lined out in my mind.  The class was only 2hrs long and I would make a point to get Nikki Garcia to be my partner so surely it wouldn't be that bad. Well it was torture... just to be honest.  I scribbled on the paper the beginning of a some what story of my salvation and before I knew it the 10 minutes was up.  Nikki and I put our desk together and began to talk and share stories.  I knew she was having a very hard day bc the 1 year mark of her mother's death was slowing creeping up.  So I just rambled through my story and wanted to listen to her.  I told her "I will just tell you my story later".  The class rocked on and I went every time kicking and screaming. I did not want to go back after the first night but I did not want to disappoint Bro. Robby.  So I grudgingly went.  I didn't think too much about it after I walked out of the door of that class till the next week came along.  One of the other assignments was to go tell our story to 5 people... UM negative for this girl! I did not tell anyone!... I just complained about the assignment to about 5 people.  Finally, we finished the class and next E3 was to come.  It was a big talk around our church and everyone was getting excited, nervous (about the 15 days of duties that had to be filled), and apprehensive.  I was, honestly, not that excited.  I mean what in the world??....15 days??.... I have to work everyday from 8-5... pahlease.

E3 started Monday, March 18, 2013 and we went.  I had already told Josh that we would go on Monday, Wednesday & Saturday of that week.  Monday was great! Justin Walters opened up with a very get up and move song and got everyone PUMPED.  Preaching came and I remember him reading a not so pleasant verses over and over again!  I mean he read it a million times and it made me quite uncomfortable.  He had actually preached a sermon around this verse a time before but it was on a Sunday and he only read it a couple of times.  I remember him saying before he read them that these were quite "bothersome" verses.  And bothersome they were! The verses were Matthew 7:21-23. Jesus said, "Not everyone who says to me, 'Lord, Lord' will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. (22) Many will say to me on that day, 'Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name and in your name drive out demons and in your name perform many miracles?' (23) Then I will tell them plainly, 'I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!'  Bro. Robby began to "break it down" for us, like he always does.  He kind of paraphrased it like it would be something that we would say.  I am going to use what I would put in there... Many will say to me on that day, 'Lord, Lord did I not attend church almost every time the doors were open, did I not fill up an abundant amount of shoe boxes for Operation Christmas Child, did I not give to the poor, did I not take Christmas gifts to lonely widows of the church, was I not a genuinely good person, did I not volunteer in the nursery, did I not prepare the Intro to Journey class meal?  Oh man this worked on me very hard.  He repeated this verse many times over the next few days.  I began to notice my sleeping at night situation... I was exhausted and I began to think back  over the past few nights... I had not slept since Sunday night.  I would toss and turn every night! And if you know me you know this chick can fall asleep as fast as a person with narcolepsy and then sleep through a tornado....

Rewind a couple of years....Over the past couple of years the thought of my salvation would cross my mind.  I would think "am I really saved?" and then I would answer myself "yes, Amber you are saved this is just the evil one trying to make you confused and doubt it."  I would always justify it because I was a good person and I loved going to church and hearing God's word.  I always done my lesson for the week, devotions in the mornings, I always prayed for my church, my family, my friends and myself, I did good deeds, etc.  I had always heard "once saved, always saved" ( just a little FYI-that my friends is called "easy believism"- say you know Jesus and then live like you want to and expect to go to heaven.) So I definitely had to be good in the salvation department. 

When I was around 8 or 9 we attended a church that my mom's family had been going to. It was small and just getting started.  A lot of my mom's family had been attending and changing their lives for the better.  It was a non-denominational church.  Worship was very welcomed there.  So at a young age I got to see that the raising of hands and worshipping God during the music was ok and much accepted.  One night the church got together and went to Heavens Gates and Hells Flames at Houston Road Baptist Church.  I remember one scene was a few teenagers/young adults getting drunk at a party and then getting in a vehicle to leave.  They were involved in a car crash and died.  When they "woke up" they were standing before God.  He had the Lambs Book of Life in his hands and was looking to see if their names were in His Book.  One by one he would look and shake his head "no".  They would scream in agony and ask Him to please look again.  He then cast them down to hell.  The next scene was them in hell.  It was so hot in there and it was very clouded with smoke.  The people were chained to the walls and screaming for someone to please let them out.  It was terrifying, especially to a 8-9 year old.  The last scene I remember was Heaven.  It was so beautiful and full of life and laughter.  We were all asked did we know where we were going and if we didn't we could go to a room down the hall and talk to someone.  I told Mama that I wanted to go to Heaven and not hell.  So we went into a room....my memory stops there.  I cannot remember the rest to save my life.  I obviously "prayed the prayer" or someone prayed for me because shortly after I was baptized.  I do not remember that experience but I can tell you that I changed into a red Coca Cola sweatshirt and we all went to eat at Walker's Dairy Bar after church.  Time went on and in the beginning of 1998 Highland Baptist was having a revival.  Bro. William Blackburn was the evangelist.  We started going and going and going.  The revival went on for a period of about 2-3 months.  EVERY NIGHT!  I was 14 and went mostly because Mama made us.  I can remember at the end of each service the same thing was repeated... if you don't want to go to hell then please say this prayer with me and walk down the isle.  If your palms are getting sweaty then it must be the holy spirit convicting you.  Ya know if you think about something long enough your mind can make you think it's happening or not happening.  My palms must have gotten a little sweaty bc one night I walked down.  I was taken into a room to be "counseled".  It looked much like a small cubical and I remember laughing and being immature....not because I had just been "saved"  happy but because I was being an immature teenager and what I was doing was "cool". I was then baptized again.  Life went on and high school was in full swing.  I was a pretty good kid.  I never talked back, I got a job when I was 14 and starting paying a car note when I turned 15, I made descent grades, good at sports, had many friends, involved in clubs and organizations at school, etc.  Senior year came and so did the partying.  I partied like a rock star off and on till my early 20's.  Probably around 23-24 I began to settle down.  My marriage had not been that great, bills piled up, failing out in college.....my life was a wreck.  My MIL invited us to Journey Church.  We finally decided to show up in June 2007.  We went off and on in the beginning and then began to kind of become a regular.  In the later part of 2007 I got involved in a women's group there.  I loved it.  I loved doing the lessons.  I was always shy in class and not really participate in the lesson because I honestly knew nothing about the Bible.  Josh and I joined Journey and then in late 2009 we began to slack off big time and eventually bailed.  We visited another church for a while but never really felt like it "fit" us. I told Josh that I really missed Journey and it's simplicity and could we start going back?  So we did and I jumped right back at where I left off.  Except there were so many more people there and our age group had exploded in numbers.  That made me very happy! 95% of them were either from the Myrick community or had graduated from NEJ.  I even got Josh to coming with me on Wednesday nights when he was in town.  Hearing Bro. Robby's sermons every week was the best ever. He can breakdown things and put them into words that I can understand.  He def has a gift!  I loved (and def still do) Journey Church.  Life was going good and I just thought every thing was spiffy.  Like I shared earlier, the question of my salvation would pop in my mind here and there.  Josh got saved in October 2011.. He shared his decision April 1, 2012.  I continued on as the God fearing lil Christian wife.. I thought.

I have told you all of this to tell you this... On March 24, 2013 @ 1:30 ( I will NEVER forget that number) in the morning I found myself on my couch, in a ball, alone and sobbing.  I prayed/cried out to God to save me.  At that very moment I had died to myself so that I could live.  I became a child of God.  I became his and he became mine.  I, for the first time in my life, knew what it meant to repent.  I knew what it meant to die to myself.  I knew what it felt like to be His. I discovered what true love was.  He loved and loves me no matter what.  I didn't have to get things "in order" before I accepted him as my saviour. I came to him broken, sorry and ashamed and I came out full of joy, thankful and filled with peace in my heart.  That Sunday morning at church I wanted to shout it to the roof tops about my decision but I had yet told Josh and I wanted him to know first.  However, I did snag up Bro. Robby to let him know that as of 1:30 that morning I finally had a story to tell.  That night at revival I just about skipped down the isle to let everyone know who my King was!  I am so eager to get baptized... I want all of this "junk" off of me and I want to come out of that water clean as a whistle.  For the first time I am so excited about Easter for what Easter really means not for just the cute new dress, dying of eggs and the fabulous lunch that comes after service.  Like my precious friend, Erica, said in her testimony the other night (not going to be word for word... but close) "the whole time I was doubting my salvation I thought it was the devil, but all in all it was always the devil that was telling me I was saved."  That was music to my hears and a punch in my gut.  She absolutely NAILED it.  I know life is not going to be lolly pops and gum drops just because I got saved... Life still goes on along with all of it's trials and temptations... I just now don't feel like I have to fight them alone and solve it all myself.  E3 is still going on and it will come to an end March 30th.  It starts at 6:30 and childcare is provided for birth-5 yrs old.  I would love to list all of the people that have made life changing decisions but I don't want to dare still their thunder :).

I am Amber Brooks and this was my story!..sorry about the length!

First Comes Love....

Second comes marriage and here comes the Brooks' without a baby carriage.  I have had the hardest time getting started on this blog.  I feel like I will offend someone or make someone feel like I was talking about their child. I might ;)... JK!  Any who.....I believe my last "baby" blog was about getting to the point where I could finally see some light at the end of the tunnel.  Well I believe I/we are feeling a bit blinded by the light because we are so close.  I do not want anyone to think that I all of a sudden hate children. That is the furtherest from the truth!! I absolutely love babies, toddlers, etc.  I like to spoil them and give them back.  I like to hold them for a bit and then give them back.  I like to teach them ugly things to say and give them back.  I like giving them back so that I can do what I want to do.  It took me a while to say this bc it sounds so selfish.  But honestly, I don't feel selfish at all.  See, January marked 3 years of trying for a baby and I have given it all I have mentally, emotionally and physically.  And by physically I am not just talking about the sex part.  I have been through many of procedures, I have drove like a maniac to Jackson in order to make it in under 2 hrs with a sample under my shirt (to keep it at room temp), I have peed on ovulation sticks every morning for 2 years straight... So no, it's not all lolli pops and gum drops on the physical part.  Emotionally- I have buried my face in a wet rag so that Josh wouldn't hear me during my bath and I would just scream, I would go on the 3rd floor of work and cry in the bathroom and then dry it up and walk down like everything was just lovely, I have been in the floor on my face in my tears praying to God to please allow us to conceive.
Mentally- I have thought that I was less of a woman at times, marital duties became just that... duties, I, at one point, was depressed.
At then end of last year I had just ran out of fuel. I was so tired and worn very thin.  I had been praying for a very long time to God that if it wasn't in his plan for us to have a child right now to just please take the desire away.  AND HE DID!  He is so faithful and always has a plan for our lives.  We just have to realize that and trust that.  OMG it was so hard to do that. I feel like I have won an olympic medal!!  I feel like a burden of 1million lbs has been lifted off of me.  The desire is gone and I feel like I can live again.  I never knew that wanting something to go away that I had become obsessed with getting for so long would feel so good.  But that is God for ya! 
I talk back and forth with a friend that is trying for a baby and has been for some time.  I text her the other night to check up on her.  She started describing the side effects she is having from the meds and that also it puts a strain on her marriage.  And folks let me tell ya... it does!! And it happens before you know it. One month turns into 7 months and "bedtime" has been just work and nothing more.  It really is sad.  My response to her was that there was no baby worth my marriage and my marriage was the most important thing to me.  And it is the truth! I love that guy with all of my heart!  "We" were here first and I am not going to let something like this bring our home, that we have worked so hard to make, down to the ground. 
I look back on this 3 year journey and think "my gosh!.. Thank you God for allowing us to go through this!".  It has made me new friends, become closer to God, my marriage rock solid, thankful for the life I have, comfortable in expressing myself, a love for Josh that I didn't even know existed and many others.  See Josh and I have been together for going on 15 years and we have been married for almost 8 of those years... We are pretty set in our ways.  We come and go as we please, we can watch tv and movies in silence, we can lay on the couch together and fall asleep if we please, we can eat in peace and quiet, we can go to bed when we want ( super early or super late), I can get up at 5 and go hog hunting with him if I want, we can have a  relaxing vacation, I can take Fred, the lil wiener, shopping with me in his stroller, I can blare the music in my car without having to worry about waking a baby, I can listen to the music I want in my car, We can watch adult tv... no yaba gaba mess, we pack for just the two of us for a trip, we can go on random camping trips.... in a tent!, we can buy big toys, we can sleep as late as we want, we can pee and dump in peace, and many other things.  Then I see this:

• Parents all stressed  out and sleep deprived
• Kids throwing a fit in a store.... like down in the floor screaming
• Snot running down their lip and spread from ear to ear... GROSS
• Puke on them and most of the time poop
• Parents sitting at a table in a restaurant not eating bc the kids want their food
• Parents having to leave a restaurant bc the kids want to act like wild things
• Parents barely getting a shower on a daily basis
• Parents sacrificing so much just so their kids can have the best
• Couples slipping apart bc the kids take up so much time
• ETC!

In saying all of that, if having a baby isn't in our future then we will be A OK.  We have always and will always have each other.  And that to me that is something  a lot of couples cannot say.  I believe that a lot of couples either get married or stay married bc of the kids.  A married couple that stays married just because of the kids is not healthy at all.  A dating couple taht gets married just because they got pregnant is not healthy at all. You have to like the person, you have to be the best of friends, you have to realize that one day those kids will be grown and out of the house and it will only be the two of you left.  If you have not taken the time to get to know one another and become best friends then your marriage is pretty useless.... you're def missing out. 
I feel like I am in such a great place. I have started working out and trying to get back in shape.  Taking clomid and just being depressed will help you out in the weight gaining dept. I had gained about 10-15lbs.  I have so far lost about 4-6 of those lbs.   I love my life and am happy for the journey that I have been on... hope I havent' offended anyone ;)!