My Initiation

I have often thought of what it would be like to be a mom.  I have watched many of my friends in action as moms and a lot of the times I would be like "thank God I am not having to deal with that!". Welllll my time has come.... I feel like I have earned a beginner badge and my initiation into motherhood has began.  Here are a few things that I have experienced:

• About 3 days after getting Jada I was on my way to church and I suddenly slammed on brakes.... I had to look down my shirt to make sure I put a bra on.  Due to complete exhaustion it would not have surprised me one bit if when I had looked that I would have been "bare".

• I have actually took my thumb and index finger and pinched a wod of snot from your lip.  My gah!!!.... I feel like I have an outer body experience when I do it.  And I have no idea what to do with it once I pinch it.  I just panic and start flinging.  Admit mamas.... you have done this when bib, rag, tissue or wipe has not been present.

• Josh and I were waiting for a table at a restaurant... I just kept getting a woof of this stank!  We finished our dinner and went to the big ol Wal Mart... there I realized what the stank was.... THROW UP! It was all down the back of my arm. Thanks babe...thanks for looking out for me.

• Gagging reflexes have went into full swing.  I am not big on smells.  Right after getting her and for at least 2-3 more months she would drop these chili bombs! I mean fill a diaper full of it.  Looked like a complete explosion went off.  And rank!!!... geeze it was rough. 

• Checking diapers.... this is tricky! One must always be prepared for the worst.  I feel like I need to put on gloves and a mask to check the diaper if I get a whiff of funk when she walks by.  I have went to check a diaper and come out with a completely different colored finger. Gag a maggot!! That is another one of those times where I just cant get it off fast enough.  I feel like Ace Ventura when he runs out of the bat cave in "When Nature Calls".

• I have picked up many of dog poop in my day... but she laid us a little loaf on the floor one day.  Just a pile of human feces on my floor.  She was pretty proud of herself.

• Jada does not sleep with us unless she is sick.  She prefers her bed.  She should have a black belt in kung fu.  I have been peed on,  karate chopped, kicked, head butted, slapped and punched.  It is like she becomes possessed by Laila Ali when she enters my bed.

• I can turn nocturnal.... when she is sick I do not sleep!! Mostly for the reasons I just listed but I cant sleep when she coughs so much she chokes.  I have laid awake many nights just waiting to pat her on the back to help her get that mess out of her chest. 

• I have went to go in to give her a kiss..... and a big ol sneeze happens which results in snot on my mouth!!! Yuck!

• Our going out to eat has decreased to almost non-existent.  It is just not worth the hassle.  Again, something takes over her body and she is like "oh, you want to have a nice calm dinner?...not gonna happen folks".  Her behaviour makes me want to order the stiffest drink they can make.  I have this intense feeling to light a fire in the waiters tail and make him/her move just a bit faster.  The faster you get my food the more your tip is going to be.... I PROMISE!

• I find that our television stays on some type of  Disney channel majority of the time. I have actually caught myself sitting down and watching it when she isn't even around.  Felt like a complete psycho.

• Right after we got her I lost a lil weight.  I was so exhausted.... I only had 3 days off from work and I was allowed to work till 2:30 for 2 weeks.  Soooo I was a bit of an emotional basket case.  One night my sis in law so kindly brought over food for me (josh was out of town).... as she was entertaining Jada I literally snuck into a corner and ate that bowl of jambalaya like a Holocaust refugee. I was starving!! But I was always so tired to cook a big meal for us so I would just make sure Jada had dinner and I would do without.  I would rather sleep.  So folks if someone you know has just had a baby.... go cook them a meal, fold their clothes, maybe give them a B12 injection, wash their dishes, etc.  It makes a huge difference and allows the parentals to rest... or in my case EAT.

I have enjoyed this journey so much and I would not trade it for anything or any amount of money in this world!  Josh and I did not have nine months to prepare.... we had a split second.  We do the best we can and make the most out of each moment.  I like things a certain way with her and if one does not like it.... well I hate it. It's just the way it is and is going to be.  I have slacked up a lot and opened my wings to let her look out a bit more. But she is my special baby, my first and I am very protective of her and I will not apologize for that. 

To all you moms out there.... I salute you!

You Call Him Da Da....

Jada,
As I said in the last letter to you, you and your Da Da are amazing together.  I have known your daddy for almost 16 years.  He was and still is the love of my life.  I love him as much as I love you but in a completely different way.  I did not think I could love that guy anymore than I already did but I was wrong.... I watch him with you and my heart melts and I fall in love with him all over again.

When you were just a picture on our phone we would talk about you constantly.  We laid in bed countless nights and talked about you.  We sent the same pics of you via text back and forth to one another countless times.  You were on our minds constantly.  Your daddy would say that he loved you so much already and that he would do whatever he had to do to get you where you needed to be and he meant it.

I always knew that daddy would be a good daddy.... but he surpasses that.... he is an amazing father to you.  It is not about getting you anything you want, although you do, it is about the love and one on one time he gives you.  He is so proud of you.  He talks about you literally all day.  You are what consumes our days.  Anything we do now, we think of you and how it affects you.  He is not in this huge rush for you to get "big" so he can take you places..... he bonds with you now!  He knows that hunting, riding, racing and farming will come with time.  He doesn't expect that you will love all of those things.  He just enjoys you and what your age brings right now. He helps me with you oh so much.  I don't have to ask him for much bc he usually already has it done or is doing it. He just dove into this parenthood stuff.  He changes PEE PEE diapers... ONLY (he he he), gives you a bath, cooks supper for us, gets you dressed, puts you to bed, fixes your juice, goes with me to the Dr. with you, gets up to give you breathing treatments in the middle of the night bc i am absolutely exhausted, consoles you, plays tea party with you, watches cartoons with you, does the hot dog hot dog hot diggity dog dance with you, and pretty much whatever else you want or needs to be done.

Mornings are y'alls thing.  He has a way with you in the mornings.  That is y'alls special time.  You do not fret with him one bit.... with me....you give me HECK!  This is yours and his routine:  Gets you out of bed, fixes your juice, turn on cartoons while changing your diaper, sit for about 20-30 minutes and watch cartoons, gets you dressed and wait for me to finish getting dressed. That routine makes you super happy and when you do not get it it's rough for all involved.

You are one lucky girl, Jada.  You have no idea, right now, how lucky you are.  You love him so much.  I can see it in your pretty blue eyes when you look at him.  You miss him when he's gone and ask about him every minute.  "Want Da Da" is what you say constantly.  I pick you up from Tiny's and you immediately start asking about him.  You know his vehicle and get excited when we pull in the drive way and it's there. You are much more affectionate with da da than you are me when we are all together.  I get loving when he's gone but if he is home..... I am chopped liver. I do not mind though. The other night when he got home from being gone for a few days.... you wanted him to pick you up and you just stared into his eyes.  You would just stare and smile. You also put your little hand on his face and just rubbed his cheek and smiled.  COMPLETE melting of the heart.  You will just sit in his lap and wallow all over him and kiss and love.  Which is right up his alley bc he is super affectionate.  He has no problem telling you that you are beautiful and that he loves you oh so much.  You will learn to appreciate that one day.

There are so many more stories of the two of you but I will save for a later time.....I put some pics below of you and him. Yall are buds and mean the world to one another. And I love you both more than I could ever explain.  It cannot be put into words.  I look at you two together and my eyes swell with tears bc you both make me the happiest girl in the world.  You are super special to us both.  You have shown us a whole new world.  And I hope no one ever tries to tell us that bc you are not biologically ours that we have missed something..... BC I MIGHT WIND UP IN THE JAILHOUSE TIMES!

I love you,
Mama

Mean Muggin

Being Silly

He will do whatever you want to do

First time to get out at your new home.... and he insisted on getting you out

Waking up for the first time in your new home..... da da had to get morning loving

First time at Davids.... he had to show you off

Anything to make me pee my pants

You cheered him on for literally an hour

Morning time!

You, Da Da and Bank Bank

Dear Jada,

Dear Jada,
Oh baby girl where do I begin?  You have brought our family so much joy and happiness.  I never knew that I could love something in a way that I do you.  You have been with us now for  four months.  It seems like it has been forever.  I do not remember life before October 24th.  Literally, I don't.  You are so beautiful....like the most beautiful little girl I have ever seen.  Your beaver teeth are adorable.  Speaking of teeth, you now have a mouth full!  Your canines have come in completely and we are working on four pre-molars in the back.... You have the drool to prove it! Your hair has grown so much...it has gotten so thick in the back and the top is getting there.  I can pull the back up in the cutest pony tail ever and I can make a twig stand up on top.  I love to put bows in your hair but you can pull one out in a heartbeat.  But that is ok I have learned to choose my battles.  You came to us saying "Mama" and "Sissy".  You can put together 2-3 word sentences. Here is a list of words you say regularly and I am sure I will forget some (you can repeat ANYTHING):

1. Mama
2. Dada
3. Pap
4. Papa
5. Gram
6. Tom
7. Nana
8. Ni Ni
9. Sissy
10. Bubba
11. Juice
12. Cup
13. Tick Tick (Trixie aka Trick Trick)
14. Moooooo
15. Tank Chew (Thank You)
16. Peeese (please)
17. Hi
18. Bye
19. Hey
20. Bit Bit (Britt Britt)
21. Bank Bank (blanket)
22. Moan (come on)
23. Uhh Ehh (no)
24. Sit
25. Chair
26. Eye
27. Nose
28. Toot Toot (hee hee hee)
29. Poo Poo
30. Bite
31.  Mine
32. Cupcake
33. Hair
34. Chip
35. Truck
36. Big truck 
37. Ride
38. Stop
39. Ni Nee (Tiny)
40. Papaw (Greg)
41. Buck
42. Uh Oh

Your family is absolutely infatuated by you.  There is not enough Jada to go around.  Everyone wants to pick you or have you spend the night.  Sometimes I feel guilty for letting you go but then me and da da really need some time together.  And I know that everyone loves to spend time with you and you with them as well.  We all sit around and laugh at any little thing you do. 

You are so flipping sassy right now! You tell us "uh eh" and "no" a lot.  BUT you do get in big trouble for it. I do not want you to be "that kid" that people dread to see coming because you are a super brat.  I want you to be nice to everyone.  In saying that, I do want you to be able to take up and defend yourself though.  Don't ever be a push over but always be respectful.  

I bought you a potty yesterday.  I almost cried while putting it in the buggy! You can tell me when you know you have done it in your diaper so I figured I might as well get a potty.  You also laid us a loaf on the floor the other night.  It was my first human turd to pick up off the floor.  You also pooped in the tub while Gram was here.  I put it in the bathroom before you came home.  I just wanted to see what you would do or if you would even notice it.  YOU DID!... of course you nosey thing.  You knew to sit on it.  So we did so....many times.  I will not force it on you...it's there for when you're interested. 

You love shoes! You love to pull every pair out of your closet and bring them in the living room for all to see and put on.  Your favorite pair are your yellow rubber boots.  Your Pap loves that you love your rubber boots.  He said he insist on buying you your first pair of real cowgirl boots when he comes home.  BTW I now know how to get anything from ol goat... just say you need it and it's done or bought! You will wear any outfit I put on you. You can rock some super lazy clothes as well as the cutest little boutique outfit.  I love you in anything.  My favorite is you dressed up to go outside and get dirty.  You are just the cutest with that rank outside smell, sticky hands, face and chest from a good ol dum dum sucker, and grass in your hair from rolling around in the yard. We had a picnic the other day and you absolutely loved it.  You would go ride your 4-Wheeler for a bit and then come lay with me on the blanket.   I cannot wait until summer. 

I recently went back to work at my old job.  On one hand it was a hard decision but on the other it was super easy.  The hard part was that I really loved my job the easy part was I loved my boss and job from my old job and it would only be part time.  I already knew how everything was ran at my old job and I just couldn't pass up the hours.  I wanted to spend my days with you.  I did not like rushing to get there before 7:50 every morning and not leaving till 5:30 every evening.  I missed you everyday.  One late evening I almost cried out in the parking lot bc I was going to be late picking you up and I knew that when I walked through the doors at Tiny's you would be the only one still sitting there, like always. Even though I have plenty of people that would help me with you, it is not there responsibility. It is mine and you are mine.  We waited so long for you and I just don't want to miss one minute. SO me and you girlfriend have breakfast together in the mornings and my
afternoons are spent with you.  I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I made the right decision. 

Speaking of waiting so long for you......sweetheart you just could not be anymore perfect.  Like I love you! Da Da loves you!  You two are so amazing with one another.  I know that we were not there to see you take your first breath, first smile, first bath, first word, first tooth, first crawl, first step or any of your first holidays.... But you can rest assure that we are here for everything else from October 24, 2013 on.  You will never want for anything.  Our focus is making sure you are well taken care of and have parents that love you and will do anything for you.  We will keep you out of danger and make sure you never know what it is like to live in pure hell.  You have a bed....it's the same bed you sleep in every night.  You are not shuffled from place to place, eating who knows what, breathing in meth or weed and being exposed to things no kid/child should be exposed to. 

You and Da Da are a pair I tell ya!  You love him oh so much.  You love to watch and listen to him play his guitar.  You love to watch him perform (blog coming for this).  You will give him sugar many times more than you will me.  A lot of people say you favor him.  And you do....it's kind of funny.  It's something about your eyes and you definitely have full lips like he does.  You both have round heads and puffy cheeks. Every morning he is home you two pile up on the couch or recliner and yall "wake up".  He gets up and fixes your juice.  You, him, bank bank, and juice watch tv.  He gets you dressed while I am getting dressed.  He is such a big help to Ma Ma.  I don't know what I would do without him.  I am very lucky and so are you.

I just wanted to write to you and let you know what you have been up to.  I love you Jada Bug!  There isn't anything like you.  You literally light up a room when you walk in and say "Hey".  You are the talk of our little community.  I have people daily come up to me and/or message me to tell me how happy they are for us and you.  You are loved by many. 

Love,
Ma Ma

Isn't She Lovely??

WHEW! Boy has life changed for our home!  I know that for a lot of people that are reading this when we posted our new family photo on Facebook that was the first some had heard about a newest addition.  October 24,2013 is a day I will NEVER forget.  At approximately 2:45p.m I was balling on Josh's shoulder in front of the Judge, our lawyer, court reporter and the defendants to my right.  We were quickly shuffled through the Judge's chambers because the bailiff did not feel it was safe for Josh and I to exit through the "normal" doors.  All they knew was that there was a lot of hollering and shouting going on and they thought it was against us... I remember saying "Oh no sir, that is just our crazy family. We will be OK." We walk out of the doors and I could not find my Mama's eyes fast enough.  We all hugged, kissed, cried, hollered, and tried to gain our composure.  It was all so surreal to me.  All I could think about was at 5 o'clock that evening Josh and I would be on our way to the Sandersville Police Dept to pick up a little girl that we had been consumed with since July 9, 2013.

These were the first pictures we saw of her. We looked at them a thousand times everyday.  

Let's back up to Tuesday, July 9,2013. Just a little FYI I will not disclose names nor certain specific details concerning this.  BM = Biological Mother and BF = Biological Father.  I was on my lunch break and had went into Kux.  I had been looking at this ridiculously huge ring set.  It was so not me but none the less I had took a picture of it and sent it to Josh.  He, of course, said "get it if you want it." I got in my car and was headed to Subway when my phone rang.  After that phone call I was in the middle of the Piggly Wiggly parking lot and not remembering how I got there.  Josh and I have gotten a couple of calls in the past regarding possible adopting but they just never seemed right and we just could not get nsync with one another about it.  I immediately called my mom.  I just cried and cried. I was absolutely terrified to tell Josh.  I was terrified because it seemed so perfect and I knew what his first reaction would be. Josh is a realist and takes everything into consideration.  He researches everything and wants to know every detail.  I was not able to provide him with much because I did not know a lot myself.  The call I got was very emotional.... it was emotional because this precious baby at stake is my 2nd cousin and it was my aunt that called me.  Josh was, of course, out of town that day so I think I sent him a text.  We went back and forth, I cried a lot, we had some disagreements, agreed on some dangers that were at stake, oooed and ahhhed over her cuteness and how much she looked like her BF.  Once we agreed that we were going to hold hands and dive into this together we began digging up all the info we could and seeing how many people we knew that could navigate us through this. Again, not going into detail but the BF did not have custody of the child and the BM had gotten into a situation that caused her to lose the child in April.  The child was being "raised" by a guardian.  Due to a time frame that was set when the baby gotten taken in April the BF was very afraid that he would lose his daughter to complete strangers and never get to see her EVER again. 

After trying to go at this situation one angle we decided to that we would bow up and contact the BM.  We took her to dinner and it all began from there. Again, I am not going into any details but let me just say I have seen more "stuff" and been around more people that I would never put myself around in my "normal" life.  I have become very educated on the world and amazed at the stuff that goes on all around us. It's sad and scary all at the same time.  Growing up my parents kept me away from such situations and I am very sheltered when it comes to the "street life".  All I could think about was that baby girl.  When I would be sitting in my car waiting to pick up the BM from certain places I was like a cat on a hot tin roof.  I was a nervous wreck on the inside. But I would just put on my poker face and roll with it.  I would pull out my phone and just look at her pictures and reassure myself that it was all going to be ok and that God was with me and he would protect me. 

This went on for almost three months.  I prayed everyday, several times a day.  I was always on my guard and pretty much turned into a hermit.  I was emotionally drained every single day.  I never knew what email was going to come through or what text message I might get.  I pretty much withdrew from society bc my nerves were just awful.  I know I became a horrible friend ( sorry gals :) ).  Telling a lot of people was a catch 22 for me.  I knew that we needed all of the prayers and support that we could get but I am also semi private.  I just asked God to lay it on people's hearts to pray for us even if they did not know why.  I cannot stand negativity when I am stressed.  And there are a lot of Debbie downers out there. So for the sake of not snapping on them and losing my religion on them I just chose to tell a few. 

On August 18th we had papers served to the "guardian" of the child.  By doing that we knew we would have to go to court.  Our first court date was October 7th..... the day after my 30th bday.  My bday weekend was amazing but as much fun as it was I still had Monday on my mind.  Josh and I knew that the BM had changed her mind.  So that Monday came and in front of the Judge she let us all know that she had changed her mind.  Luckily, we already knew this and had done our research and kept our ears open for the past three months.  We took action and made some request to the Judge.  He followed through with them and it paid off.  We got some pretty amazing news on October 16th.  News that changed the entire course of everything. Josh was in Washington DC when our lawyer called me with the news.  I called Josh immediately and was just crying my eyes out.  We were so excited and in disbelief.  I just kept telling my lawyer on the phone "I cannot believe this! Josh and I just don't get these kinds of breaks!!".  We were going to push for an emergency hearing but decided to wait because we already had  a trial date set for October 24th.  The 23rd came and I was pretty much in a blur that whole day.  Mom and Mamaw came to stay with us.  We got up that morning and headed out.  We thought we were the first trial that morning but an emergency hearing had been ordered for another case so we had to wait.  At 1:00 it was time for a lunch break and that trial was still going on. It lasted till a bit after 2:00.  THEN it was our time to go.  Everyone had to leave the court room. No family or friends could stay.  Just the plaintiffs and defendants.  I was literally shaking so hard.  I had to stick my hands in between my legs to make them stop shaking.  After the Judge reviewed the case and heard the testimonies (he did not make josh and I get up on the stand) he made his decision.  It seemed like it took him 30 minutes to get it out of his mouth....."....... but here are two people who are able to take care of this child.....".  And my eye make up was history!  He gave an order to go pick her up at the police dept that evening.  I could not believe it!

Cannot Thank this Man enough!

 

My best friend and soul mate!

We all flew to the house, changed our clothes and began to pick up and clean.  Josh strapped in the car seat and off we went.  We had a vehicle follow us because we did not know what to expect and how dangerous it would get.  We pulled in and got out.... there was a lot of hollering coming from the other vehicle.  I told Josh to lets just go get a cop to come out so we would have a witness and supervision of the situation.  The hand off of that ANGEL was amazing.  I remember them handing her to me and she looked at me, kissed me in the mouth (snot and all) and laid her head on my shoulder.  Keep in mind I have never physically laid eyes on her and her the same for me.  We hurriedly got in the car and off we went. 

Everyone ask how she adjusted and how she did her first night. Sister girl rocked it! She literally never missed a beat.  She rode home playing with shades and a cell phone.  We walked in to a lot of people in our house and she walked in like she owned the place.  We had toys, cake and love waiting on her.  She played and played and we laughed at every move she made.  She went to sleep around 9:30 and slept till 7:30.  Since then she hasn't looked back.  I am "Mama" and Josh is "Da da or Daddddy".  She has a Gram, Tom Tom, Pap, Papa, Nana, Aunt Ni Ni, Sissy (Lexi), Bubba (Logan) and Uncle Warren.  She has called me Mama from the day 1.  We are all absolutely smitten by her. She gets pretty much whatever she wants whenever she wants.  Josh is amazing with her and she loves him so much.  Josh is and has always been a very affectionate person so they are cuddle buddies. She thinks he is hilarious. 

We want to thank everyone for the text, gifts, showers, words of encouragement, and mostly your prayers.  Josh looked at me one day and said I never knew I could love something so quick and it not be biologically mine.  Our home has changed so much and we have received the best gift ever.  God was so watching over us the whole time and HE opened every door! Y'all just don't know! I get chills and my eyes water up when I think about it.  He knew exactly what He was doing.  I am so very thankful for unanswered prayers.  I prayed so hard for so long for a him to give me a child that I could carry in my body. Little did I know he had something so much more perfect set a side for us.  His timing is best and his way will always conquer our ways and wants.   

Don't believe in the power of prayer? - Read above
Don't believe in God? - Read above
Don't believe in Faith? - Read above
Don't think God always has your best interest? - Read above
Don't think God always knows what He is doing?- Read above


There will be many more post to come.  I want to document everything bc she is such a busy body and I do not want to forget the milestones and memories of our ANGEL, Jada. 

With Love,
Josh, Amber and Jada

A True Love Story

At Journey, my church, about 100 people signed up to take basic training classes.  These classes are designed to equip Christians to be able to go out and easily tell their story, start devotional groups and even start a church if they felt led to do so.  I was  apprehensive at first.  It is a 6 week long class that meets once a week.  My class of about 10 people meet on Wednesday nights.  I had already gotten some inside info from a friend on what the first assignment was going to be.  I went into a full scale panic when I heard what it was.  It was that we would have 10 minutes to write our story and then we would partner up with someone other that our spouses and practice telling our story to them and visa versa.  I, sadly, had to rack my brain for my story.  I knew about when I was "saved" and I knew that my dunking date was in a purple Bible some where around my house.  I went on a rant to find it.  See, I am very good with remembering numbers.  It is quite weird at the dates and numbers that I remember.  So not remembering either one of those dates completely freaked me out.  Going in to the first class I had some what of a story lined out in my mind.  The class was only 2hrs long and I would make a point to get Nikki Garcia to be my partner so surely it wouldn't be that bad. Well it was torture... just to be honest.  I scribbled on the paper the beginning of a some what story of my salvation and before I knew it the 10 minutes was up.  Nikki and I put our desk together and began to talk and share stories.  I knew she was having a very hard day bc the 1 year mark of her mother's death was slowing creeping up.  So I just rambled through my story and wanted to listen to her.  I told her "I will just tell you my story later".  The class rocked on and I went every time kicking and screaming. I did not want to go back after the first night but I did not want to disappoint Bro. Robby.  So I grudgingly went.  I didn't think too much about it after I walked out of the door of that class till the next week came along.  One of the other assignments was to go tell our story to 5 people... UM negative for this girl! I did not tell anyone!... I just complained about the assignment to about 5 people.  Finally, we finished the class and next E3 was to come.  It was a big talk around our church and everyone was getting excited, nervous (about the 15 days of duties that had to be filled), and apprehensive.  I was, honestly, not that excited.  I mean what in the world??....15 days??.... I have to work everyday from 8-5... pahlease.

E3 started Monday, March 18, 2013 and we went.  I had already told Josh that we would go on Monday, Wednesday & Saturday of that week.  Monday was great! Justin Walters opened up with a very get up and move song and got everyone PUMPED.  Preaching came and I remember him reading a not so pleasant verses over and over again!  I mean he read it a million times and it made me quite uncomfortable.  He had actually preached a sermon around this verse a time before but it was on a Sunday and he only read it a couple of times.  I remember him saying before he read them that these were quite "bothersome" verses.  And bothersome they were! The verses were Matthew 7:21-23. Jesus said, "Not everyone who says to me, 'Lord, Lord' will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. (22) Many will say to me on that day, 'Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name and in your name drive out demons and in your name perform many miracles?' (23) Then I will tell them plainly, 'I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!'  Bro. Robby began to "break it down" for us, like he always does.  He kind of paraphrased it like it would be something that we would say.  I am going to use what I would put in there... Many will say to me on that day, 'Lord, Lord did I not attend church almost every time the doors were open, did I not fill up an abundant amount of shoe boxes for Operation Christmas Child, did I not give to the poor, did I not take Christmas gifts to lonely widows of the church, was I not a genuinely good person, did I not volunteer in the nursery, did I not prepare the Intro to Journey class meal?  Oh man this worked on me very hard.  He repeated this verse many times over the next few days.  I began to notice my sleeping at night situation... I was exhausted and I began to think back  over the past few nights... I had not slept since Sunday night.  I would toss and turn every night! And if you know me you know this chick can fall asleep as fast as a person with narcolepsy and then sleep through a tornado....

Rewind a couple of years....Over the past couple of years the thought of my salvation would cross my mind.  I would think "am I really saved?" and then I would answer myself "yes, Amber you are saved this is just the evil one trying to make you confused and doubt it."  I would always justify it because I was a good person and I loved going to church and hearing God's word.  I always done my lesson for the week, devotions in the mornings, I always prayed for my church, my family, my friends and myself, I did good deeds, etc.  I had always heard "once saved, always saved" ( just a little FYI-that my friends is called "easy believism"- say you know Jesus and then live like you want to and expect to go to heaven.) So I definitely had to be good in the salvation department. 

When I was around 8 or 9 we attended a church that my mom's family had been going to. It was small and just getting started.  A lot of my mom's family had been attending and changing their lives for the better.  It was a non-denominational church.  Worship was very welcomed there.  So at a young age I got to see that the raising of hands and worshipping God during the music was ok and much accepted.  One night the church got together and went to Heavens Gates and Hells Flames at Houston Road Baptist Church.  I remember one scene was a few teenagers/young adults getting drunk at a party and then getting in a vehicle to leave.  They were involved in a car crash and died.  When they "woke up" they were standing before God.  He had the Lambs Book of Life in his hands and was looking to see if their names were in His Book.  One by one he would look and shake his head "no".  They would scream in agony and ask Him to please look again.  He then cast them down to hell.  The next scene was them in hell.  It was so hot in there and it was very clouded with smoke.  The people were chained to the walls and screaming for someone to please let them out.  It was terrifying, especially to a 8-9 year old.  The last scene I remember was Heaven.  It was so beautiful and full of life and laughter.  We were all asked did we know where we were going and if we didn't we could go to a room down the hall and talk to someone.  I told Mama that I wanted to go to Heaven and not hell.  So we went into a room....my memory stops there.  I cannot remember the rest to save my life.  I obviously "prayed the prayer" or someone prayed for me because shortly after I was baptized.  I do not remember that experience but I can tell you that I changed into a red Coca Cola sweatshirt and we all went to eat at Walker's Dairy Bar after church.  Time went on and in the beginning of 1998 Highland Baptist was having a revival.  Bro. William Blackburn was the evangelist.  We started going and going and going.  The revival went on for a period of about 2-3 months.  EVERY NIGHT!  I was 14 and went mostly because Mama made us.  I can remember at the end of each service the same thing was repeated... if you don't want to go to hell then please say this prayer with me and walk down the isle.  If your palms are getting sweaty then it must be the holy spirit convicting you.  Ya know if you think about something long enough your mind can make you think it's happening or not happening.  My palms must have gotten a little sweaty bc one night I walked down.  I was taken into a room to be "counseled".  It looked much like a small cubical and I remember laughing and being immature....not because I had just been "saved"  happy but because I was being an immature teenager and what I was doing was "cool". I was then baptized again.  Life went on and high school was in full swing.  I was a pretty good kid.  I never talked back, I got a job when I was 14 and starting paying a car note when I turned 15, I made descent grades, good at sports, had many friends, involved in clubs and organizations at school, etc.  Senior year came and so did the partying.  I partied like a rock star off and on till my early 20's.  Probably around 23-24 I began to settle down.  My marriage had not been that great, bills piled up, failing out in college.....my life was a wreck.  My MIL invited us to Journey Church.  We finally decided to show up in June 2007.  We went off and on in the beginning and then began to kind of become a regular.  In the later part of 2007 I got involved in a women's group there.  I loved it.  I loved doing the lessons.  I was always shy in class and not really participate in the lesson because I honestly knew nothing about the Bible.  Josh and I joined Journey and then in late 2009 we began to slack off big time and eventually bailed.  We visited another church for a while but never really felt like it "fit" us. I told Josh that I really missed Journey and it's simplicity and could we start going back?  So we did and I jumped right back at where I left off.  Except there were so many more people there and our age group had exploded in numbers.  That made me very happy! 95% of them were either from the Myrick community or had graduated from NEJ.  I even got Josh to coming with me on Wednesday nights when he was in town.  Hearing Bro. Robby's sermons every week was the best ever. He can breakdown things and put them into words that I can understand.  He def has a gift!  I loved (and def still do) Journey Church.  Life was going good and I just thought every thing was spiffy.  Like I shared earlier, the question of my salvation would pop in my mind here and there.  Josh got saved in October 2011.. He shared his decision April 1, 2012.  I continued on as the God fearing lil Christian wife.. I thought.

I have told you all of this to tell you this... On March 24, 2013 @ 1:30 ( I will NEVER forget that number) in the morning I found myself on my couch, in a ball, alone and sobbing.  I prayed/cried out to God to save me.  At that very moment I had died to myself so that I could live.  I became a child of God.  I became his and he became mine.  I, for the first time in my life, knew what it meant to repent.  I knew what it meant to die to myself.  I knew what it felt like to be His. I discovered what true love was.  He loved and loves me no matter what.  I didn't have to get things "in order" before I accepted him as my saviour. I came to him broken, sorry and ashamed and I came out full of joy, thankful and filled with peace in my heart.  That Sunday morning at church I wanted to shout it to the roof tops about my decision but I had yet told Josh and I wanted him to know first.  However, I did snag up Bro. Robby to let him know that as of 1:30 that morning I finally had a story to tell.  That night at revival I just about skipped down the isle to let everyone know who my King was!  I am so eager to get baptized... I want all of this "junk" off of me and I want to come out of that water clean as a whistle.  For the first time I am so excited about Easter for what Easter really means not for just the cute new dress, dying of eggs and the fabulous lunch that comes after service.  Like my precious friend, Erica, said in her testimony the other night (not going to be word for word... but close) "the whole time I was doubting my salvation I thought it was the devil, but all in all it was always the devil that was telling me I was saved."  That was music to my hears and a punch in my gut.  She absolutely NAILED it.  I know life is not going to be lolly pops and gum drops just because I got saved... Life still goes on along with all of it's trials and temptations... I just now don't feel like I have to fight them alone and solve it all myself.  E3 is still going on and it will come to an end March 30th.  It starts at 6:30 and childcare is provided for birth-5 yrs old.  I would love to list all of the people that have made life changing decisions but I don't want to dare still their thunder :).

I am Amber Brooks and this was my story!..sorry about the length!

First Comes Love....

Second comes marriage and here comes the Brooks' without a baby carriage.  I have had the hardest time getting started on this blog.  I feel like I will offend someone or make someone feel like I was talking about their child. I might ;)... JK!  Any who.....I believe my last "baby" blog was about getting to the point where I could finally see some light at the end of the tunnel.  Well I believe I/we are feeling a bit blinded by the light because we are so close.  I do not want anyone to think that I all of a sudden hate children. That is the furtherest from the truth!! I absolutely love babies, toddlers, etc.  I like to spoil them and give them back.  I like to hold them for a bit and then give them back.  I like to teach them ugly things to say and give them back.  I like giving them back so that I can do what I want to do.  It took me a while to say this bc it sounds so selfish.  But honestly, I don't feel selfish at all.  See, January marked 3 years of trying for a baby and I have given it all I have mentally, emotionally and physically.  And by physically I am not just talking about the sex part.  I have been through many of procedures, I have drove like a maniac to Jackson in order to make it in under 2 hrs with a sample under my shirt (to keep it at room temp), I have peed on ovulation sticks every morning for 2 years straight... So no, it's not all lolli pops and gum drops on the physical part.  Emotionally- I have buried my face in a wet rag so that Josh wouldn't hear me during my bath and I would just scream, I would go on the 3rd floor of work and cry in the bathroom and then dry it up and walk down like everything was just lovely, I have been in the floor on my face in my tears praying to God to please allow us to conceive.
Mentally- I have thought that I was less of a woman at times, marital duties became just that... duties, I, at one point, was depressed.
At then end of last year I had just ran out of fuel. I was so tired and worn very thin.  I had been praying for a very long time to God that if it wasn't in his plan for us to have a child right now to just please take the desire away.  AND HE DID!  He is so faithful and always has a plan for our lives.  We just have to realize that and trust that.  OMG it was so hard to do that. I feel like I have won an olympic medal!!  I feel like a burden of 1million lbs has been lifted off of me.  The desire is gone and I feel like I can live again.  I never knew that wanting something to go away that I had become obsessed with getting for so long would feel so good.  But that is God for ya! 
I talk back and forth with a friend that is trying for a baby and has been for some time.  I text her the other night to check up on her.  She started describing the side effects she is having from the meds and that also it puts a strain on her marriage.  And folks let me tell ya... it does!! And it happens before you know it. One month turns into 7 months and "bedtime" has been just work and nothing more.  It really is sad.  My response to her was that there was no baby worth my marriage and my marriage was the most important thing to me.  And it is the truth! I love that guy with all of my heart!  "We" were here first and I am not going to let something like this bring our home, that we have worked so hard to make, down to the ground. 
I look back on this 3 year journey and think "my gosh!.. Thank you God for allowing us to go through this!".  It has made me new friends, become closer to God, my marriage rock solid, thankful for the life I have, comfortable in expressing myself, a love for Josh that I didn't even know existed and many others.  See Josh and I have been together for going on 15 years and we have been married for almost 8 of those years... We are pretty set in our ways.  We come and go as we please, we can watch tv and movies in silence, we can lay on the couch together and fall asleep if we please, we can eat in peace and quiet, we can go to bed when we want ( super early or super late), I can get up at 5 and go hog hunting with him if I want, we can have a  relaxing vacation, I can take Fred, the lil wiener, shopping with me in his stroller, I can blare the music in my car without having to worry about waking a baby, I can listen to the music I want in my car, We can watch adult tv... no yaba gaba mess, we pack for just the two of us for a trip, we can go on random camping trips.... in a tent!, we can buy big toys, we can sleep as late as we want, we can pee and dump in peace, and many other things.  Then I see this:

• Parents all stressed  out and sleep deprived
• Kids throwing a fit in a store.... like down in the floor screaming
• Snot running down their lip and spread from ear to ear... GROSS
• Puke on them and most of the time poop
• Parents sitting at a table in a restaurant not eating bc the kids want their food
• Parents having to leave a restaurant bc the kids want to act like wild things
• Parents barely getting a shower on a daily basis
• Parents sacrificing so much just so their kids can have the best
• Couples slipping apart bc the kids take up so much time
• ETC!

In saying all of that, if having a baby isn't in our future then we will be A OK.  We have always and will always have each other.  And that to me that is something  a lot of couples cannot say.  I believe that a lot of couples either get married or stay married bc of the kids.  A married couple that stays married just because of the kids is not healthy at all.  A dating couple taht gets married just because they got pregnant is not healthy at all. You have to like the person, you have to be the best of friends, you have to realize that one day those kids will be grown and out of the house and it will only be the two of you left.  If you have not taken the time to get to know one another and become best friends then your marriage is pretty useless.... you're def missing out. 
I feel like I am in such a great place. I have started working out and trying to get back in shape.  Taking clomid and just being depressed will help you out in the weight gaining dept. I had gained about 10-15lbs.  I have so far lost about 4-6 of those lbs.   I love my life and am happy for the journey that I have been on... hope I havent' offended anyone ;)!

The Notebooks

I am not very big on Valentine's Day.  I just feel like it is just something that is blown up to be way more than what is should be.  I think it is sad that some people only get shown love on one day out of the year.  I am very proud to say that my husband shows me love and affection everyday!! Any who.... I really thought I knew what I was getting but turns out I was wrong.  I wanted some rocking chairs but he could not find the one that I wanted.  I came home from work to find a card and two spiral notebooks on the table.  One was pink and one was black and each had a pen with them.  Inside mine was a letter.  It explained that each day we would write something positive about the other in the notebook.  He said that it had to be positive and nothing negative.  We will exchange our notebooks every weekend so that we can see what the other has wrote.  This weekend will be our first time to exchange our notebooks.  I cannot wait to see what he has wrote.  And I def cannot wait for him to read what I have written.  I just loved this idea! I think it is def healthy to continue to praise one another and make sure the other one understands just how they important they are in the marriage.  I love him so much and could not have thought of a more perfect gift.  So to all you ladies that just threw your dead flowers in trash.... I will still be enjoying my gift for many weeks ;)