How did we get here!?

I am sure that I will offend someone, make them mad, get a few eye rolls or even get a few nasty comments. BUT I really do not care! As most of you know Josh and I have been tryig to have a baby for 2 yrs now. It has been the most difficult journey that I have ever endured! When we first started trying we were so hopeful and ready to take on parenthood. We had names picked out already and started picking around on what traits of us we hoped it did and did not have from us. I even had a "pre-conception" check up with my OBGYN, bought the most expensive ovulation monitor on the market, made sure my maternity insurance was in affect, and tried to eat as healthy as I could. Months rocked on and NOTHING! We were getting so frustrated and did not understand at all! After about 11 months of trying, reading, researching I finally asked Josh if he would go get tested. He did and we found out the problem was probably going to be him :/. I was crushed and I can only imagine how he felt. If it was going to be anything I wanted it to be me so that he didn't have to feel any type of pain or guilt. A month after his analysis I was 2 weeks late for my cycle. I knew in my mind that I was pregnant and I could not believe it. My cycles are like clock work and I have never been late in my life! I had a lot of the early pregnancy symptoms but I could not get a positive test and even my blood test was negative. The Dr. wanted to put me on medication to make me start and I refused. I was a little disappointed in him for suggesting that. On December 25, 2010 I believed I started the "natural" miscarriage process. I have never had a period like that in my life and it went on for well over a week. I was so bummed and didn't really tell anyone b/c I didn't figure they would believe me... since I did not go to the Dr and I didn't want anyone to "feel sorry" for me. But my heart and my body told me what was really happening. In April 2011 I decided to go back and talk with the Dr. He suggsted we start doing a procedure called an IUI (intraunterine insemination). We tossed the idea back and forth. It was tough hearing someone say that you cannot conceive naturally. We waited a few months and in July 2011 we decided to get our first IUI. It was the most physically painful experience I have ever had! They give you no pain meds and no warning! I consider myself to have a pretty high tolerence for pain, but that day that was doubted. I actually had to go by myself bc at teh same time I was having thi done Josh was turning in his 2 week notice at Howards. I was so hoping that it would work because I didnt know if I would be able to do another knowing how bad it hurt. Well, obviously it did not work. Again, we were crushed but we had something good going on at teh same time, Josh was starting his new job! We knew that with him starting this new job we would miss a cycle or two and couldn't get the IUI done. I was ok with that b/c i was so excited about his new job. I knew he was going to be so much lessed stressed and this made me so happy! September, October and November came and went. For those 3 month we were unable to have an IUI due to the Dr. not having any openings. I was so upset and angry that I could not get "squeezed" in for my procedure. I know that as an OBGYN their main concern in doing annuals, providing check-ups for pregnant women and delivering babies. I get that!... but it still didn't make me feel any better. I told Josh that if we wanted help and guidence with this we would have to get out of Jones County. No offense to any Drs around here! So we decided to go to see Dr. John Isaacs in Jackson. Our first visit with him gave us much hope. He devised a plan that included getting blood work for me. What!? I have never had my Dr. request blood work. Surely I am fine. Well I was wrong! My progesterone level came back almost less than half of what it should be! Mine was 6.72 and they like for it to be around 12. I immediately knew I definetly hada miscarriage back in '10. A pregnant woman MUST have a certain level of progesterone in order for the baby to live and grow. Dr. Isaacs called me in Clomid (50mg) and told me to start it on my next cycle and go in on day 21 to have my levels checked again. I did and it came back at 21! I was so excited and just knew we were on track. Well another month came and went and NOTHING! One week before Christmas I had a HSG test for tubal infertility. Basically they shoot a dye into your tubes and watch it on a screen to see if your tubes are blocked. Mine were clear as glass! So we got to rule that out. We decided to wait till after Christmas to do an IUI with Dr. Isaacs. So late January we went in for our first IUI in Jackson. This experience was a cake walk compared to when the other Dr. did it. AND we found out great news in the process.... Joshs levels were well beyond average. I was so pleased and a huge burden was lifted off of him. BUT, the procedure wasn't a success either. I was so upset that I had Josh call the Dr.office to let them know that it didn't work and to find out what else we could do. In March we took them up on the other options. I had to take off 2 days of work. The first day I had an ultra sound to check to see if I had any follicles. I had one, which is all you need. Since the follicle was of good size and looked to be normal they gave me an HCG trigger shot. This shot would make the egg release and the IUI for the next day could be timed. I went the next day and had the IUI. This again did not work! I called Jackson to let them know that it did not work and that we would not be back for a while. I was not at all upset with the Dr. or his wonderful staff I was just emotionally drained. The nurse told me that we were just dealing with what they called "unexplained infertility". My jaw hit the floor. I had never heard that term before and it sounded so vague yet so harsh! Who has unexplained infertility!!! I asked what that meant and she said they use that term when a couple has completely normal everything but just cannot conceive. I knew then this was completely out of our hands. Josh told me as he was consoling me that it was not unexplained infertility it was God's timing. So, that was the story of us to date. I felt like I had to tell the entire thing in order for anyone to understand my next wave of emotions. Sometimes God's timing is something that we do not understand. It is actually something that I cannot wrap my head around. How can a couple who has planned for a baby, have great jobs, have a great marriage and a love for children that is through the roof not get pregnant!!?? How can people who are not married, do drugs/alcohol, have a horrible marriage, and the list could go on and on have a baby? Why is it in God's plan for them to have a baby? These are things that I deal with all of the time. Now, I do not in any way get mad or upset at married couples that seem to be in a good marriages. I believe they definetly deserve it! They deserve to start a family. I just cannot get over the other. Josh and I have gotten really involved with church and it has helped me tremendously! It helps me understand things and know that God does not hurt us. His plan may make us pout and throw a fit, because we are so use to instant gratification, but it is the best plan. Through this horrific journey Josh has gotten saved and we are more devoted to God than we have ever been before. Do I still have bad days?.... Yes mam! I still cry and question but I also find great comfort in knowing that He has a plan for us. This is something that Josh and I cannot buy. We cannot buy a baby of our own. IVF is not even a guarantee for anyone. We have been asked about the option of adopting. We are up for it but would still like to have a lil adhd Josh running around. I honestly, cannot believe that I even wrote this for everyone to see. I am pretty private with this kind of stuff. But I have discovered the more people you talk to about it the more you learn that you are not alone. I don't really like telling people about this because I don't want them to think that I am jsut having a pitty party or wanting sympathy. That is the furtherest from the truth. See, I believe that couples who are extensively trying for a baby get the shaft. You see and hear pregnant women all of the time complaining of being pregnant. Honestly, it makes me want to slap the crap out of them. Why in the world would you complain??!! But the ladies who are having to do painful procedures, taking hormones that make you feel like a complete psycho and not in control of your own body, and have a let down every month of their "trying" life usually dont ever complain. We roll with the punches and would do anything to get pregnant. Our facebook status' usually don't consist of complaints or graphic details of things. I believe my most insult to date would have to be when someone told me that since "I" couldn't get pregnant I could just let them borrow my husband for a while and she would be able to get me a baby. REALLY??!! Do people actually look at a woman that is unable to get pregnant as weak?? I felt like, after that comment, I was less of a woman and that was how people looked at me. It has really been hard to get over that. I am usually pretty quick to get over stuff, but that was a tough one. In saying all of this bad stuff I would not want to conquer this journey with anyone but Josh. He is the most amazing, affectionate, comforting person ever! He is my rock and has wiped many many tear from my face. I have soaked his chest with tears and snot so many times, but he has never not once told me to suck it up and get over it. He has just let me vent and cry. He gets just as disappointed and upset as I do but he stays strong for me. I know that he is going to be the best dad ever!! He has so many crazy stories and experiences to not have a lil runt to tell them to. I know that God put me on this earth to be a mother and he will bless me with a child. We just have to stay focused and listen to him every step of the way. He has something to tell us and something to show us we just have to wait and see what it is. The fact that Josh shared his decision a few weeks ago showed me that without the trials we have been through Josh may not have made tht decision. It was so insane that after Josh broke down and asked God to save him back in October his levels went beyone normal. If you have ever read about male infertility you will know that stuff like that just does not happen. But God made it happen... i know that beyond a shadow of a doubt. And I know that he will make this happen. I am sure this blog made me look like an unstable psycho but it was just what I have been dealing with and it has been alot. Infertility will absolutely consume your life. If you are placed on meds/hormones it will make it worse. While I was on the meds I literally could not function properly. I could not remember everything and was the complete opposite of being organized. If I am not organized I do not function!!! I am slowly getting back on track with everything and trying to fix what I let dangle off to the side for so long. If I have offended anyone I apologize that it offended you. It is just how I feel. And if I can help someone with this post then I have done something. There are plenty of women out there that I personally know going through this very thing and I pray for you everyday!